When We Hate.

After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, ‘Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray me’.

John 13:21

 

I wish (oh so desperately) I didn’t have this darkness in me to share with you today.  But the piercing truth in words that chisel are finally breaking me free.  And I humbly beg the Father that these words can do the same for you.

There is a woman I despise.

The mere mention of her name makes my heart beat faster.  My literal physical reaction to her presence is so dramatically encumbered that there is zero question: This matter is spiritually-rooted.

I believe her to be manipulative and deceitful, yet cleverly gift-wrapped in a Christian exterior.  For me, it’s the worst kind.  And, while I don’t pretend to understand, I do know she loves the Lord, and is effectively used by Him in many ways.  I’ve questioned God again and again, “Does the problem lie within me?”

In the meantime, as good Christian women should do, publicly we pretend to be a supportive friend.  Yet, I believe she loathes me with a similar passion, and has distain for everything classically “Heather” in me.

I have spent years praying desperately for the Father to change my heart and free us both from this incredibly unhealthy situation.  But even now, I can’t talk about it without losing my senses.  There have been times I’ve taken a deep breath and made the hard, bold steps I thought the Lord was asking of me.  More often, though, my progress has been so pitifully burdened that my steps were small and heavy at best.  Moreover, I typically forfeit any gained ground at the very next offense, and, for the first time in my life, I even had to seek counseling on what to do, albeit without a solution.

I’m so tired by it.  And I’m incredibly disappointed in myself.

But, if I’m honest, ultimately, I feel JUSTIFIED in my actions.  I’m even mad that she put me in this position.  And when someone is this poisonous to your life, the most admirable action would be to gracefully walk away, right?

Let’s just pretend for a minute that she’s “the devil” here and I’m “angelically innocent”.  (To be crystal clear, that couldn’t be further from the truth, but comparing the extreme will help us sort through any grey area)

What does the Bible say are my rights in this situation?

• But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…  Matthew 5:44
• “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.  Romans 12:20-21
• …If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.   If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.  Matthew 5:39-41
• Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice. Proverbs 24:17

Unfortunately for an embittered heart like mine, there are many more of these bullet points to be found in scripture.  But they aren’t the reason I can barely see my computer screen through the tears.  It’s because God just took my hand and carefully walked me the through one of the hardest truths He’s ever given me to swallow in my life.

Jesus.

He also had a friend that was toxic.  And to be clear, this friend actually epitomized the enemy and Jesus was, in fact, perfectly blameless.  Jesus knew the outcome would be devastating, and He STILL invested His very best into this man’s life.  And it was hard – Even for Jesus:

(Speaking to His disciples) “I am not referring to all of you; I know those I have chosen.  But this is to fulfill this passage of Scripture: ‘He who shared my bread has turned against me.’  “I am telling you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe that I am who I am.  Very truly I tell you, whoever accepts anyone I send accepts me; and whoever accepts me accepts the one who sent me.”  After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray me.”  His disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know which of them he meant.  John 13:18-22 NIV

It troubled Jesus’ spirit that, in all the world, He had 12 people whom He carried closely.  His best friends.  He lovingly spoke honesty into their lives, showing them areas where growth was needed.  He told them secrets,  Gave them authority, and shared with them the best example of God the Father that any human on earth would ever see in action.  He invested, elevated, cultivated, groomed, and trusted in them.  ALL OF THEM.

And they ALL had shortcomings:  Faults.  Doubts.  Faithlessness.  Disagreements.  Incompetence.  Selfishness. Betrayals.

But there was ONE who would eventually seethe with so much jealously and bitter darkness that he would literally kiss the face of Jesus goodbye, as he led Him to be beaten and slaughtered.

And Jesus knew it:  For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who it was that would betray Him. John 6:64

What comes next, I’ve never seen clearly before now.  That Passover night was more – much more – than I’d understood.

…Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.  …the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus.  Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;  so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.  After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.  John 13:1-5

My heart can barely contain my shameful regret as I see the truth of my bitterness towards a person who I’ve hated with comparably insufficient cause.  Because, on the hardest night of His life, what did Christ do?  Even though the betrayal had ALREADY BEGUN.  He loved those men TO THE END.  On that night, the Lamb of God stood up, stripped down and washed the stink and filth from the feet of these unworthy friends.  HE WASHED THE FEET OF JUDAS.  

All the while, you and I withhold such loving sacrifice to the waitress who forgot to put a lemon in our water.

When God tells us to love our enemies, it’s not to be done from a distance or with underhanded correction.  It’s not despite who they are or what they’ve done.  It’s not by “gracefully letting them go” (however graceless it really is).  We are to LOVE THEM TO THE END.

Even when they never change.  Even if the dirt on their unworthy feet gets lodged in the crevasse of our carefully cleaned nails.  We are NOT given a choice.  And if the betrayal of their kiss causes death in our lives, WE LAY IT DOWN.  Because this will not be our end.  And the sweetness of redemption will radiate from us because God will raise us up and set our feet on green pastures.  HE will overcome the darkness.   HE will uphold us with his righteous right hand.

I know this will be hard for you.  It IS hard for me today.  But before you were 3 sentences into these words, I bet you already knew whose feet you need to wash.  Whether you literally have to get out a bucket and drive to their house or you need to pray and figure out what the modern-day equivalent is – The time has come.  Lay it down and let’s learn how to LOVE TO THE END.