Hearing God's Voice Obedience Parenting Trust

Thy. Will. Be. Done.

“This, then, is how you should pray…”
Matthew 6:9

Thy will be done.

I’ve known for 74 days.  But this confession began long before then.

  • A first kiss
  • 9/11
  • A diagnosis
  • The unexpected phone call

…Memories that become etched in your head – as real to you right now as it was in the moment it played out – however planned, however shocking, however brief, however lasting.

I know exactly where I was standing when the Holy Spirit said: “Heather Lynn, if you do not have this child, it will never exist.  NO ONE else can do this for me.  This is what I’m asking of YOU.”

I’ve had to return to that moment countless times these past 2 years.

During the months prior, I’d heard God’s prodding, and I didn’t hesitate with my answer:  “NO”.  We were done with kids.  Two was always the deal.  And this road has not been simple.  Our first born (now 7) nearly died in his first week.  [See: Suffering Produces Perseverance]  We had our boys in a foreign country and managed those trial-and-error years, both without family and in another language.

I am entirely in love with our sons, but I will not romanticize my truth.  Parenting is hard.  I can’t imagine anything more sacrificial.  I know we have a long road ahead of us with triumphs and trials I’ve not yet imagined, and I’m honored to be their mom through it all.  But I’m grateful sleep is no longer a distant memory, diapers are done, and some parts of ME are regaining momentum.

Yet, on that day, the Holy Spirit cracked my core.  And, in the months to come, Steve and I made a very hard, very purposeful, decision to trust the Father’s plans for us  – over our own.

Thy will be done.

And a baby began to grow.

But life spiraled into darkness, when, 10 weeks in, I laid alone on a table and learned this child had not survived week 7.  For the months following, I walked in a fog – managing a move across the atlantic, mourning the great loss of this life, hemorrhaging from complications of a D&C, and deeply questioning both God and my ability to hear from Him – Ever.  [Read: Sometimes We Just Believe]

Still now:  No answers.

I will not pretend to understand.  Yet, I can’t manipulate what took place in order to “fix” this broken testimony.  Over this year, I’ve learned to lay that pain at the cross, because there is nothing else I can do with it here.  And, slowly, with careful steps, I’m regaining my ability to hear from Him, trusting anew.  [Read: Own This Heart Broke Sound]

But the question remained:  What. Now.

I sought God, but could seemingly only find the frustrating buzz of radio silence.  So, I dug deeper, trying to get past myself and find the Holy Spirit’s voice on this topic again.  I could easily access that moment when He’d said, “This is what I’m asking of YOU.”  But the conviction was gone, as was the desire to follow through.  Nothing from before was left.  And, finally, after 10 months, I went to a teen pregnancy center and dropped off the very last box of baby things we owned.

The decision had been made, we are family of 4.  A chapter closed.  I have to move past this.

That’s when the pasta nearly killed me.

Steve and I had a rare Monday lunch out, and, against my better judgment, I’d indulged in some creamy sage noodles.  Mind you, gluten is not my bff, and for weeks I regretted that meal.  So much so that I was finally prepared to swear off those beloved carbs forever.

And then the wheels started turning…

I’m a mess.  Have been for a while.  Sick and exhausted.  What IS wrong with me?  And that ridiculous possibility skimmed the surface of my brain.  So off to the store I went.  I bought a box of tampons along with a box of pregnancy tests, because, clearly, peace of mind is all I need here.

I was on my way to grab the kids early from school for an appointment.  However,  I’m a ridiculously impatient person.  So, instead of waiting 2 hours until I got home, I brought a test into a private preschool bathroom stall, where, to my surprise, the toilet was barely 18 inches off of the floor.  I looked at it and thought, am I really doing this here?  Yes, yes I am.

When that second line turned an immediate bright pink, “some words” left my mouth and some blood left my head.

I took every test I had that afternoon.  Between the lot, we were 299.4% sure it was, in fact, not pasta.

Thy will be done?

I wish I could tell you the miracle of this life stole my heart and my maternal instincts kicked into overdrive.  Trust me, I know how many women are desperate for a second line on that stick.  But, instead, for many days, I found myself saying “No, No, No” before snapping back to reality and realizing I was speaking it out loud.

Have you ever felt like you heard from the Lord, but ended up somewhere on the floor instead?  Questioning if that bold move was your great misstep?  If the onlookers who thought you were crazy saw exactly what you couldn’t?  If you believe whole-heartedly in a Father who doesn’t actually work all things together for YOUR good?  If the Holy Spirit is just an excuse we use to justify our own actions?

Thy will be done.

For a long time we’d been planing our summer trip to Spain, and I had permission from the doctors to keep our 7 weeks in Europe.  I couldn’t have known then that I would use these weeks to cry and fight and question and HIDE like never before.  [Read: The Power of a Painful Present]

And then THAT day came.  I hung up the phone with the lab in America, having learned that this tiny life was, unequivocally, a 3rd boy.  Breathe.  It was the last thing I’d held onto – clenched fist… slipping out of my hand now was the conviction of a promise that this life would be a girl.  And I basically lost it.

I’d been at the pool with the kids, which is located on the roof of the house, and I told them I was running down to “grab something”.  But what I really needed was to release the expanse of my emotions and text Stephen with the results of the blood work.  I got as far into the villa as I knew would be necessary to pick up the WiFi.  I couldn’t seem to make it any further.  Sitting at the top of those stairs, in an echoey hallway, the flood gates rushed open.  And I spoke (loudly) to the Father, with the full force of my most ugly, honest, hurts.  I was angry.  Confused.  Done.

And then I stopped.

And that crystal clear moment returned to my spirit again:  “Heather Lynn, if you do not have this child, it will never exist. NO ONE else can do this for me. This is what I’m asking of YOU.”  And I realized I was sitting on the EXACT steps, in the same house, of the same country, with the same God that had called on me 2 years ago.  It was, perhaps, the most significant moment of my Christian walk.

It was never about me or my ability to hear from the Father.  This was about Him and His ability to hear me…  To know me…  To have PLANS that include me…  That include this baby…  This boy…  This man.

THY.       WILL.       BE.       DONE.

He’s asked us to pray those words exactly because He knows we will need His will – EVERYDAY – to replace our own.

And, here, in a blog birthed out of obedience, I’m officially – finally – announcing that we are having a baby.  He is due on Christmas day, December 25th, 2016.  I have no clothes, no stroller, no blankets, no diaper bag, no car seat.  But I have a promise from a Hallowed Father whose will is being done in my world, just as it is in heaven.  And He will give me what I need for today and forgive me when I lose my way.  Because HIS is the kingdom and the glory and the power – FOREVER.

And my deepest desire is that, in the moments you feel the most incapable of hearing your Father OR of doing the impossible task you believe He’s asking of you, that you will still pray:  THY. WILL. BE. DONE.  And know that He hears you.  His ability – His plans – outweigh yours.  And, my friend, HE WILL BE FAITHFUL TO IT.  I believe this for you as surely as I’m believing it for me.


This song right here:  

It rings in my head all day and night.  It might as well have been written to save me.  I pray, if you need it, that it saves you too.

Thy Will Be Done:  Hillary Scott (of Lady Antebellum)

You Might Also Like

  • Fototherapie July 4, 2016 at 5:16 am

    The biggest of congratulations, my friend! If anyone can rock 3 boys, you are the woman! Thanks for sharing your process in all this. It is, as always, refreshing to read your likeminded spirit. Blessings on these boys! (And I’m personally rooting for 1 more, bc you need a girl!)

    • Heather Yoder July 5, 2016 at 4:06 pm

      I do like the idea of a harem of men. And you need to stop routing for more… Girl, give me a fighting a chance!! Ha.

  • April July 4, 2016 at 6:57 am

    I will attempt a response even though I am only a few sips into my coffee and vision hasn’t kicked in yet, and words are far beyond them. But my heart is moved, and won’t stay silent, though rough and insufficient. I love this piece of writing in so many ways. You have captured those moments of shut down: when things are so overwhelming, and you find yourself bottled up and stingily measuring out emotional connection during the hiding time. I have been so stuck there, but I completely admire an honest picture of you grappling through it — step by step, breath by breath. It spoke to me. The honesty you decided to delve in to has possible given me a beacon out, and I thank you for that!

    Second of all, I am so very happy for your in this pregnancy. I know the fears that come along with this time. Your family knows them well. But in the same way that we needed you in this world for such a time as this, YOU were born, and a miracle at that! I look forward to meeting him, and seeing his life unfold. Meanwhile, you have my grateful and fervent prayers.

    Did you ever notice while reading the Bible that if God wanted to bless a woman, he would give her a child? It is kind of uncanny….

    Love, peace, and strength to you, Heather!

    • Kristy Farewell July 4, 2016 at 7:39 am

      Kristy, I appreciate your transparent, challenging and encouraging writing. I often see the entries your mom posts (we use to attend CCOP). I can tell you they’ve encouraged me and everyone I’ve shared them with.

      Continue operating in your gift. God clearly flows through you.

      Congratulations on Baby Yoder!

      Blessing,
      Kristy Farewell

      • Heather Yoder July 5, 2016 at 4:20 pm

        Kristy, You bless my heart. Thank you for that encouragement. I’m grateful we found each other though CCOP even if neither of us attends there now. I’m honored to host you here and “meet” a kindred spirit through the maze of social media. Thanks for posting and taking the time to read. <3

    • Heather Yoder July 5, 2016 at 4:16 pm

      For an early morning response you certainly connected with my heart strings. Hard is hard. You can’t sugar coat the truth of HARD. And finding a way to trust, fight, walk… plus ALL the other things that are required… is also hard. It doesn’t feel natural. It doesn’t seem possible. I am convinced that a “sacrifice of praise”, or a sincere “thy will be done” has value because of the high cost. April, you have a priceless gift that you ARE giving the Father in this season. Doesn’t make it easy… um, because it is… H.A.R.D.. But I’m with you, step by step and breath by breath, we’re going to make it through.

      And, for the record, the whole “bless a woman” and give her a child thing – Can we just remember the “cursed childbirth” end of that stick? 😉

      I love you forever.

  • Stephanie July 4, 2016 at 7:49 am

    Thank you for sharing it is so wonderful to have such honesty. Congratulations. If you want to visit us we have tons of baby stuff.

    • Heather Yoder July 5, 2016 at 4:23 pm

      Ha! I’m somehow convinced I’ll wake up one morning and have a house stocked with the madness of plastic and rocking chairs we had before. But then, I have learned from these boys of mine that one doesn’t need every single mechanism out there to survive. Perhaps, I’ll manage balance better this round! =) Thanks for reading and for the encouragement!

  • Jan July 4, 2016 at 9:12 am

    As I read your blog with tears in my eyes and a lump in my heart, memories of a time many years ago when I too was facing your situation.
    I was the mother of 4 boys (of which was overwhelming) and I was facing the birth of another child,(1976)
    How could I handle another child, I was already stretched to the limit, I THOUGHT.

    Fast forward to 2016 and I cannot imagine my life without this 5th wonderful son.
    I can only tell you that God’s grace was there everyday and as life so often is with its ups and downs, we had our share.

    I am the mother of 5 men who amaze me every day and I can hardly believe it.

    Don’t be ashamed of your human feelings, God is not ashamed of you. He really is so proud of your honesty and your humility. His love will see you through. (Of course you already know this, but I’M JUST SAYING!)

    I love your blogs and am amazed at how often they speak to my life, keep em coming!

    • Heather Yoder July 5, 2016 at 4:27 pm

      You win. FIVE. And your honest encouragement falls on good soil here. I KNOW that you are right and I KNOW I will love this boy with parts of my heart I didn’t even realize existed. I look forward to widening my capacity for this little one/ grown one. And all the wives… that’s going to be great fun one day too. Thank you for the sharing, reading and reminders. I love it all.

  • Natalee July 4, 2016 at 9:21 am

    I just heard this song this week & your title intrigued me because it had the same words! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and faith so eloquently. I need to keep reminding myself of Jeremiah 29:11…”For I know the plans I have for you…”
    At 42 I never thought I’d be single & childless. I have to remember that God has a plan for me too. May He continue to bless you & your family.

    • Heather Yoder July 5, 2016 at 4:36 pm

      Natalee, You know, my sister sent me this song about 3 weeks ago. She’d assumed I knew it, but encouraged me to listen to it again. It must have been released in the US after we’d left for our vacation. And within those first 2 lines I was a sobbing mess. I wish I’d kept a count for how many times it’s played in my home since then. I think I’d beat the rest of the world on this one.

      I often wonder if we collected all the “I never would have thought” things that we each carry, how shocked we’d be by how unexpected life is for every single one of us. I used to believe that if I had a deep desire in my heart – It MUST be from God. But I’m not so sure that’s the truth. In fact, I think the church (women especially) have done a disservice by teaching that following the Father with abandoned conviction means you get your hearts desires answered. Because things nearly never work out like we expect – from the big to the small. Yet, God’s still IN IT all.

      Thank you for your honest comments and for sharing your own “thy will” trusting. But, I’m with you, He surely does “know the plans” and I’d much rather He know than me. <3

  • Donna Cooper July 4, 2016 at 12:18 pm

    As the mother of a only child, a boy, I am praying daily that the girl God choses one day to be his wife, will be the daughter I never had. One day, if it is God’s will, you will have 3 daughters!

    • heatheryoder July 5, 2016 at 4:43 pm

      You know, I have though about that over these past months. Being a mother-in-law means 3 new daughters to welcome. And I can be a cool one, I’m sure of it! 😉 However… I will have to adjust some brainwashing I’ve been doing with my boys. For instance, I have Sawyer (age 5) convinced that if he keeps growing he must agree to cuddle with me FOREVER. And I’m guessing that might get awkward for his wife.

      Thank you for reading and sharing! Go hug your son <3

  • Candace July 4, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Oh Heather! I am so excited for you! Believe it or not, I faced MANY of these same feelings, both in loss of a child and finding out my third was yet another boy. Maybe your “story” of family completion isn’t over yet. Maybe there is MUCH more to your “story.” God does not call the equipped. He equips the called. He is calling you to something much greater than yourself. To God Be the Glory! Great things He has done!

    • heatheryoder July 5, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      Friend, it does my heart good to hear you say that… Since, you know, you rock your awesome family and provide much inspiration to families all over the place. Plus, I’m reading your potty training posts word for word, trying to remember how I do this stuff. I mean, it hasn’t been THAT long, but my mind only retains what it needs for today. 😉 Thank you for being such a faithful friend and example. I’m one grateful fellow mama.

  • Lonnie Mostoller July 4, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Congratulations to the both of you i am sure things will be wonderful for your future with the new baby i have 3 boys in my bunch 1 girl in there it was always a crazy house ask debbie she will tell you the mostollers are a bit wild but we love alot so the best to you and the whole family havent seen you guys i think since you first got married? Much love and prayers!

    • heatheryoder July 5, 2016 at 4:50 pm

      Is it ok that my house is crazy with just 2? =) I have a feeling this one will be the balance I never knew I needed. Surely, he will not be as nutty as my other 2 (but then, I was certain my second would be the calm one and he outdid his brother!). Thank you for encouragement and for reading. I feel like since we moved to DC right after we got married and then to Germany soon after that, we haven’t seen MANY people since the wedding… 16 years ago! But we’re back in America again and making up for lost time. I hope our paths cross too!

  • Kelly Beavers July 6, 2016 at 2:13 am

    Congratulations on the new little man and his impending arrival! Thank you for the raw honesty and the message it brought to me. Trust is hard- we want to see Gods full plan, but hinestly – He knows we cannot handle how immense and awesome that plan truly is! So Thank you Lord for a plan you are already bringing to fruition!

  • Erica July 6, 2016 at 7:28 am

    Wow, this song and post are raw and challenging and bring steadfast courage to carry on. Thank you for sharing your journey because so many of us can relate on different levels. Following Jesus is extremely difficult yet beautiful all at the same time. When His Will Be Done looks very different than my expectations and deep hurt and disillusionment come flooding into all I am, the journey doesn’t seem as neat and tidy as I thought (and want!) it to be. This becomes magnified when we (like you) are actually taking the steps of obedience and STILL the way is pain. I’m thankful for His grace and the “glimpses” of His hands that He gives us every once in awhile that bring hope. Yours in the stairwell is unbelievable. Congratulations on new little boy…you will continue to be an incredible Mom raising your young men!
    And this song…will play on repeat for awhile at my place…thank you.