Hope Miscarriage Parenting Trust

Own This Heart Broke Sound

Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.

Psalm 51:16-17 (MSG)

 

Today is November 11, 2015.  That’s important.

The kids were up early.  Brenner, my sweet 7-yr old, already had on his school uniform with that tiny tie I love – the navy one with the mini red lobsters.

As I got out of bed, I found one of Sawyer’s big toy dice under my duvet.  We’d been cuddling the rain away yesterday morning, when he must have made the drop.  I’m pretty sure he swiped it from his grandparents’ house last weekend. 😉 His middle name is “Steele”, and we’re in the processes of teaching him it’s after the strength of a METAL and not the tendencies of a thief.  Iron Man is the only reason we just might win this particular battle.

Later this morning I had coffee with a new friend.  The rare kind you meet and, within seconds, feel sure they will be in your life for a long while to come.  I freely shared the secrets of my heart with someone I didn’t even know existed until just a few short weeks ago.

Then, as you do, I got my arms waxed.  Because some girls need a little more help to be effortlessly lovely than others.  Just keeping it real, folks.  That’s what we do here.

Finally, In the quiet, I drove down our autumn-framed lane, flanked by old victorian homes, and let myself breathe.

Nothing in my life looks the way it did 9 months ago.  Not my country, my house, my phone, my furniture, my church, my friends, my car, my routine, my marriage, my wine, my weekends, my struggles, my joys.  I can’t explain how that feels.  A life of extremes.  That place known as middle ground hasn’t felt the weight of my settled steps in far too long.  Slow is not my current pace.

Today is not like other days, however, because Birthday’s are special, after all…

This is the day our third baby was due to arrive.  But I won’t have the honor of meeting her just yet.  Instead, my tummy is flat from carrying boxes up 4 flights of stairs and rolling paint in hallways that are dangerously tall.  That perfectly placed bedroom-cum-nursery, just off the master, will remain filled with Ikea closets imported from Germany that store things like wrapping paper and vacuum cleaners.  Steve is in Boston because he doesn’t need to be home strapping the maxi cosi in the back seat.  And I feel empty where tiny feet would likely be finding my ribs.

It’s the last time I saw her, when I watched my German OBGYN silently measure and remeasure the nugget on the ultrasound screen, that’s sitting in my mind.  Our baby had stopped developing 3 weeks beforehand and, now, in addition to a trans-Atlantic move, I found myself shocked and heart shattered as the doctor scheduled a D&C. (For more on what God did in that season read: Sometimes We Just Believe)

Many women have walked this road.  Too many.  Reality is, we’ve all walked hard roads.  We’ve all known the great depths of heartache, inadequacy, disappointment, loss, and longing… pain is our most common ground.

But, this day, Nov 11th, 2015, I’m not focused on the pain.  Our Father, who tends to the broke-down-torture of this fallen world, has done an incredible job caring for this ache in my life.  I have thought of our baby a thousand times, and I’m sure I will far many more in years to come.  But I have walked in the grace and peace that passes understanding with every ping in my heart.  And, the truth is, I’m just not that strong.  That isn’t me.  It’s HIM.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.” Psalm 51:17

Nine months ago, life looked different.  But different wasn’t easier.  Just more familiar.  We are so talented at romanticizing the past, begging for the future and throwing today in the trash.  The here and now is never enough.  It’s the actual living of life that can seem too hard to bear.

My reality is that I’m not going to meet our little miracle today.  I won’t hold her soft frame or feel the grip of her impossibly small fingers.  And my heart longs so hard for her.  But Jesus once said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV)

You see, God gives us promised peace right now in the absolute midst of our inevitable troubles.  That’s what passes understanding.  And that’s why each of us has the strength to do the RIGHT NOW WELL.

Somehow, on this 11/11/15, between lobster ties and arm waxing, I found, buried in the truth of my pain, the truth of His peace.  And you know what?  I will find it again.  Because every single second, “He makes all things new”.  Rev 21:5  Don’t throw that kind of gift away.

In your heart shattered life, hand your burdens, your anger, your fear, your hurt – over to the Father who overcame, specifically so that you don’t have to wait for hindsight or sit longing for tomorrow.  It’s not about pretending to be well when you’re broke, but, contrary to what our circumstances say, it IS possible to be healed before the breakthrough even happens.  Don’t wait for life to grant you peace.  Find the Father and LIVE in it right now.

And to my baby girl, my heart swells with love for you.  Those inevitable long legs, big blue eyes and flowing brown locks will dance party with your adoring mom one day.  I have a few more things to do for the Father first, so He’ll hold you until I do.

[After reading this blog, my mother wrote a rather incredible piece, you can read it here: A Mother’s Response To Own This Heart Broke Sound]


A song that says it all rather perfectly:

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  • themodernladyofficial November 16, 2015 at 9:03 am

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  • Lynn November 16, 2015 at 2:35 pm

    Thinking of you precious! Love and miss you! Lynn