My Personal 4 Letter Word.

I have chosen the way of faithfulness;
I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, Lord;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands,
for YOU have broadened my understanding.

Psalm 119:30-32

 

Of all the things on my heart to be and do, writing this blog would not have made my list.  I don’t even like the word.  BLOG.  I have a genuine aversion to the way it sounds and, even more specifically, the way people look at me when I say I have one.

“Oh, isn’t that sweet, you have a BLOG,” as they simultaneously dismiss the notion that it might amount to more than the ramblings of an indulged mom who thinks the world gives a hoot about her pint-size life.

But I also have a hard time saying I’m a “writer”.  I reserve the term for an actual profession where:

1) People are paid, OR

2) People have a degree which states it’s something they actually CAN do, OR

3) Someone other than themselves has asked them to do it.

Nope.  I’m not a writer.

But God told me to write.

And, week after week, I say to myself: “If no one reads this, it’s OK.  H-Bomb, you are practicing obedience and that alone is worth the time, blood, sweat and tears.”  But…

While I’d love to convince you that is the only reason I do this, IT ISN’T.  I give up so many of my Me hours while the kids are at school.  Then, I also often wade through the impossibility of writing with a 3- and 6-year old asking for SOMETHING every 5 minutes.

I write and rewrite.  Pray and beg.  Scrap hours of efforts and cry out in frustration.  Then, the absolute worst of it is when I hand my computer over to my husband to read for his edits and feedback.  During those moments, I try to busy myself somewhere else in the house, because I could nearly throw up from fear that my “heart on a plate” is a total piece of crap and I have to start again.  The poor man is my biggest supporter and I beg him for total honesty (and then swiftly punish him for it – I’m working on it).

WHY ON EARTH DID GOD ASK ME TO DO THIS?  (and exactly how much longer is He planning on asking it of me??)

And this week, to top it off, there’s been a punctuated silence on WHAT exactly He’d like to say through me.  Which, I’m not going to lie, really gets under my skin.  Because, trust me, when I write my own agenda, nothing goes well. We’ve tried that already.

Resultantly, these past days I’ve found myself saying:  Alright then, I’m not posting anything this Monday, and, just maybe, I’m done with this entirely.  I mean, I do have this small task of moving my family across the ocean in the coming months. This girl has things to do!

As if a scripted comic relief for my big screen story, the focus switches from my temper tantrum to the Father – who is looking at me with a familiar smile. Slowly and silently shaking his head back and forth.  ‘Cause, you see, He gets me.  And He already knows that I will not stop this “Blog” until He tells me to stop.  And this week He hasn’t been silent at all.  He’s quite purposefully had me going around in circles, so I will remember that He asked me to write…

But I asked Him to use me.

Admittedly, I’d rather specifically hoped it would be while leading worship or decorating rich people’s homes or being a Dove Commercial Model (that’s a long story that begins and ends rather quickly).  But instead, for hundreds and hundreds of hours, He’s placed me squarely at His feet.  The exact amount of space in the world I needed to occupy this year.

This has been exactly right for me.  And the absolute truth is that if no one reads these words, the paramount person who needed them desperately, already has.  And she didn’t just read them once, but dozens and dozens of times, until (just maybe) her guard finally dropped and the truth of His message takes root in my soul.

And while this post is seemingly all about ME, if that’s your take away, you’ve missed the point altogether.

When God asks something of us, the plan is huge.  It’s strategic.  It may require great sacrifice.  It may require that you swallow your pride or bite your tongue. It may last two minutes or a lifetime.  You might have to define it with a word you hate like… motherhood, servant, volunteer, or BLOGger.  It might push you uncomfortably to the front, or place you seemingly hidden in the back.

Bottom Line:  your part effects lives and situations in all manner of God sized ways (which include far more than the massive mountain moving moments). BUT it will inevitably effect YOU most.  Maybe it’s OK to add a little selfishness to the list of reasons to follow hard after the Father’s call on your life.

I’m Heather Yoder and I have a B.L.O.G. (still causes me pain).  And this week I almost stopped.  It would have been OK for you.  Your world would have kept right on moving.  But for me, it would have sliced the artery that God planted inside my soul as a lifeline to Him.

What artery in your life is desperate for some blood flow?  Could be, if you feel you are losing ground in the areas of your most beloved “to-do” list items, it’s because your life-line calling is all mucked up (as my dear Aussie friends would say).

OR maybe you are tapped in, but feel like giving up.  Yep.  You are not alone. Either way, this blog found you because you actually already know what you need to do.  You simply require a reminder.

The formula is beautifully provided in Psalm 119:30-32:

I have chosen the way of faithfulness; — (CHOOSE TO BE FAITHFUL)
I have set my heart on your laws. — (SET YOUR HEART ON HIM)
I hold fast to your statutes, Lord; — (HOLD FAST)
do not let me be put to shame –– (TRUST THE PLAN) 
I run in the path of your commands, — (RUN WITH IT!)
for YOU have broadened my understanding. — (LIVE IN ITS FULLNESS)

Sounds like a time-tested plan of attack.  If it worked for David, chances are it will work for us too.