Confidence

Heavy Boots.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 40:2

 

 

“In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York is in heavy boots.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I’m in heavy boots today.

And opening my heart to share these quiet struggles is not what I’d prefer to do right now.  Nope, I’d like to eat a party sized bag of peanut M&M’s and drink a Gin Pink (my new favorite cocktail) in a dark comfy room while watching Nashville season 3 on repeat.

What I feel like doing is hiding from people, as it’s the “in-person” part of life that has me wanting to run towards witness protection.

No sooner did last Monday’s post hit the web about being “Known” by the Father (See: Never (Ever) Alone.) that I started hanging out with “Mr. Lonely’s” BFF: “Mr. JUDGED”

It’s been adding up…

At a recent dinner party, a rather wealthy man (somehow appropriately) named “Pierre”, whom I was place-card seated beside, stopped speaking to me when he discovered that, while I once worked in a Law firm, I’m not a lawyer.  Rather, in fact, I “retired” from my position in human resources at age 23.

And, while I AM a stay-at-home mom, I feel like mothering isn’t winning me any awards by the general public either.  My kids have too many Apple Products and build too many mine craft monstrosities.  They eat too much candy, too little fruit and have too many meltdowns.  Let us also not forget my Mother’s Day parenting fail, as I’d planned a family popcorn night with “The Avengers”…what I now know to be an entirely inappropriate choice for a 4 & 6 yr old.  (Insert nightmares about some ram horned evil villain.  Um, yeah, I know.)

I’m also lacking in something I’ve come to call “transition grace”.  It’s the struggle I face every time I don’t want Steve to leave for business travel because I love having him home.  And then the awkward return when I’ve finally found my single parent groove and forget how to be a “partner” in life all over again.  A dance we do almost weekly.

So, please, pass those M&M’s already!

Today, as I’ve walked around with heavy boots, having less patience than normal with my sweet kids, and dreaming of shutting the world out completely, I keep asking the Lord, “What can I do?  How can I do life better?”

Where would I be without His unending patience with me…  Our Father knows that the war within us can wear our courageous hearts thread-bare some days.  And, while I’m wallowing in the mud of a highly dangerous territory called:  “The Me, Me, Me Drama Queen Pity Fest”, He doesn’t sit me in the corner for a much deserved Time Out.  Instead, He plans the spiritual equivalent of a popcorn movie night and lets me settle into some cleansing truths (nightmares avoided):

  • “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11:28
  • “Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”  1 Peter 5:7
  • “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.'”  Lamentations 3:22-24
  • Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will YET praise him (love this), my Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5

And the one I’m clenching my fists around today:

  • “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

As His promises float tenderly to the surface of my outlook, I begin to fight through the very crushing of my spirit to live by His great grace once again.

Boots get heavy on all of us.  One labored foot in front of the other…  Today I got tired, inviting the enemy to distort truths and spoon-feed me lies.  I swallowed them down whole and lay bloated from the gluttony of the meal.  I lost my drive.  I misplaced my confidence; my feet stuck in the mire.

But our Father knows about our heavy boots.  He knows when we’re stuck.  And I’m betting that when Jonathan Safran Foer was writing the brilliant book, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, he hadn’t considered this life-giving secret:

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”  Psalm 40:2

So I will sit at dinner parties and be confident in my brand.  I will Mario Kart with my kids until our team wins the cup.  I will pray for my husband when he’s gone and hard hug him when he’s home.  All the while, I’ll chase after the Father, shining His light as best I can, as I learn just how bright Christ already is for me.

And, from the firm place He’s returned my feet to rest, the world (my world) looks like a beautifully whole new land in which to thrive…

The question is, will you allow Him to lift your boots out of the mire today?  After all, peanut M&M’s are nice, but they taste much better without the weight of the world included.


In the “Spirit” of celebration… I give you the “Gin Pink”, a cocktail that makes me both smile & dance:

Fill a fun glass with large ice cubes, pour in some Strawberry Gin and (ideally) Ginger and Cardamom Tonic water (ratio about 1:3) and garnish with a few juicy strawberries.  (Normal Tonic works too.  Nashville series marathon optionally included.)

 

 

 

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  • Candace June 1, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    Even though we havent seen each other in 15 years, and we were never best friends, I feel like we are living very different but almost parallel lives. I would love to come find you, bring you your drink of choice, while I drink my Starbucks Chai or Mocha or Latte and talk for hours while our kids play on their apple products. I look forward to your writing every Monday. Love you, girl!

    • Heather Yoder June 1, 2015 at 8:46 pm

      I love this. Love that from different corners of the world our lives are intersecting and God’s doing similar things in our hearts. Our friendship was never accidental, but I’m so encouraged by what’s become of it in our parenting years. Your life is an example to me in many ways and that coffee date sounds like bliss (also chaos with all our little ones… or maybe just an awesome youtube video in the making – for the further use of our apple products). Thank you for writing, it’s great to KNOW that we’re on the same path.

  • Hannah June 1, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    I’m a pal of Eva and Julia G (I used to attend MICC when I was in Munich) and sometimes get your posts via their Facebook feed. This one popped up, I clicked, and have been incredibly blessed. This spoke to me so clearly! Thank you, and please keep writing!

    • Heather Yoder June 1, 2015 at 8:49 pm

      Hannah, it’s wonderful to meet you (and you have great taste in friends, so I’m honored). I’m so glad this post spoke to your heart today. It makes the tough moments of last week worth the up hill battle 🙂 . I’m grateful to know you were “here” today!

  • sharlacrm June 5, 2015 at 3:02 am

    Heather, this blog gives place to what I have felt in my heart often, yet not able to express! Thanks for sharing with me! With us! You are truly right where you need to be when you need to be there. And doing the will of God (obedient writing!) Thanks for feeling your feelings and giving them LIFE on the page! xo much, Charlotte

    Your sharing of “HeatherYoderWrites” allows me opportunity to “fully live from the heart Jesus gave me.” I celebrate you! I celebrate me! We both celebrate the glory of Christ within us! HUGS!