Hope

Well with my Soul.

Psalm 42:5  Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

 

In the past 12 years of this European adventure I’ve had a lot of “on my face” moments with God.

A lot.

If you’re looking for a lesson in being humbled, then living in a foreign country is a very smart place to start.  But if you want to grow in exponential ways, be on your own, away from your family, friends, church, language, comfort zone and customs — then have 2 kids.

I need to also say that this time has been unbelievable in a full spectrum of ways.  There have been countless moments when I’ve stepped outside of my circumstance and thought, “How do I deserve to be here doing any of this?”

Still, this was not intended to be a full relocation.  And we’ve been waiting on The Lord to know how long to stay.  But year after year, no “leave” has come.  There have been times we’ve been very close.  Times we’ve nearly moved back to the US (or Australia, or India, or Japan, or Spain).  And there have been times we took a huge leap of faith and did things like having kids & changing jobs, churches, and homes, even when we had no idea how much longer we’d be foreigners in this country.

This is why today has been a really hard day for me.  Because in the coming week, we may have an answer regarding a huge next step for our lives.  And this is, perhaps, the biggest “next step” we’ve ever faced.  Stephen has worked flat-out for the past 4 months to get us here, but, to be clear, this is 4 years in the making — if not all 12 combined.  And, once again, in the eleventh hour, the game plan may be changing, and the outcome may be altogether different from what we’ve been praying for it to be. The circumstances are out of my control.  All I can do is wait.

So I feel like I need to write this blog now, before the answer comes, because no matter what happens tomorrow, what happened today has reminded me that our God is faithful.  All the time. 

When I woke up this morning something in my spirit broke.  My tears have come steadily, hard and fast.

Today, as I’ve tried to keep myself together, I’ve been capable of doing little more than lying face down on my son’s bedroom carpet working through this heavy heart and letting the tears flow.

In no uncertain terms, I’m laying my life down before the Lord once again.

I want desperately for His will to be done, but there is still too much of me in the mix.  If the answer is not what I have hoped, will I still trust Him?  I realized that after all I’ve been learning, I’m still holding on to my own desires.  My plans.

And, as I stare at my clenched fists, I am overcome by just how hard it is for me to let go.  I don’t feel brave right now, I feel very much alone.

But here’s the part about God that I love:

When I woke up this morning, my heart was heavy.  That was exactly when the Father started working in me.  A song can pierce the roots of my chore more than anything else.  It’s always been the case with me.  When I need to dance or to lay in a ball and cry — music is what gets me through.  And, today, the Father hand delivered a song that unexpectedly stopped me in my tracks and brought me back to Him.

There is a new version of the classic hymn “It is Well” produced by Bethel church.  Almost accidentally, I stumbled upon it and began to play it on repeat.  The words sunk deep in my heart.

I realized:  How can I get this circumstance to be well with my soul?

MY SOUL.

It felt impossible and, as I wrestled with God about who should have control, I felt Him slowly take my clenched fist and begin opening my fingers one by one.  But can I really do this, Lord?  Can it truly be well with my soul, if all I’ve been pinning my dreams on falls away?

I cried and cried and, even though the words I should have been praying couldn’t come, I know that He sees my heart.  How was I able move from where I woke up today to this new place in the span of a few (hard) hours?

Because He is faithful.

And the reason I can give Him my dreams, my plans, my expectations – is because He knows me well enough to come to this little toddler’s room and cry on the floor with me.  And He doesn’t judge me for trying to take the control back once again.  He doesn’t make me feel small because of my inadequacies.  He meets me here, and He lifts my hands above the waves so I can worship Him and learn that abiding in Him is so much easier than being in control.

I won’t minimize how much I want this answer to be a “Yes”.  But, now, as my eyes are still sore from crying and my head is pounding from how fast and hard the tears have come, I KNOW IT WILL BE WELL.

And it will be well for you too.  The circumstance you are facing that you want to control – let go of your grip and let His plans be your plans.  As hard as it seems, let your soul rest.

 

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  • Debra Jean April 28, 2014 at 8:55 am

    I loved your blog this week! I always learn something

  • Merry Yoder April 28, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Dear Heather…. Thank you! God keep you as you continue to turn your heart toward Him. You speak truth; He IS faithful.

  • Laurel Furlow April 29, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    Girl, while our circumstances are different, I’m right there with you with totally being flat on my face crying out to God because we’re on the precipice of change and something big/new. Your blog re-reminded me that He is so very faithful and that no matter the situation, my soul IS well because I have everything in Him (and that it’s still OK to cry out to our papa). Thank you.

    • Heather Yoder April 29, 2014 at 10:14 pm

      Well, you are in good company, my friend. And I think there are many more of us out there than we realize. But He truly is faithful (you and I both know that from past experience). And I’m still waiting on my answers, but I’m leaning on Him…. <3

  • Erica May 2, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    I’m just reading your post for the 1st time this morning so I’m not sure if you have received your “answer” yet or not. Thank you for your authenticity. You are right…there are so many of us leaning on Him and trusting in Him because we cannot see step by step what His ultimate plan is for us…or for others we will cross paths with along the way. I’m praying this morning for you (and the rest of us!) that we can rest…fully rest…in His peace as we travel these roads unknown to us but very well known to our Abba Father.

    • Heather Yoder May 2, 2014 at 9:59 pm

      I MISSED YOU this week! Thank you for taking the time to read and write today. You get this, I know you do. And, I haven’t shared this publicly until now, but the answer was, in fact, a “No”. But He was prepping and preparing me all the while to get ready for plan B. So here we go, and I’m trusting Him every step of the way. I’ll be resting in your prayers today, thank you for them. <3

      • Erica May 2, 2014 at 10:27 pm

        Haha…you are so sweet. I was fighting a virus for several days so I’m just catching up on life now! Honestly, I’m sorry to hear that you received a “no” this time. Even in the prepping, it is painful. However, because you know the character of God and know He is who He says He is, I know you are continuing to walk this journey in faith. Continued prayers for you & your family this week as you spend time resting in Him and drawing near to hear His faithful voice.

  • Stephanie May 10, 2014 at 6:38 am

    I love you and your heart for God! Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your journey with us

    • Heather Yoder May 10, 2014 at 11:08 pm

      And I love you, my sweet sister-in-law. Sharing life with you is a privilege. <3