Hearing God's Voice

Blocked.

 

“Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139:23-24

 

Even now.

As I sit on this airplane with 2.5 blissfully focused hours with nothing to do but type… I’m blocked.  I wish we could call this writer’s block, but it’s way worse than that.  I’ve been fudging my way through Monday posts for weeks, barely scraping by.  But, given my desire to remain transparent, it’s time I give it to you straight.  I’ve got nothing.

Silence.

Things are so quiet, I’m afraid to open my own mouth in expectation that an angel librarian will show up and “Shh” me into holding my breath again.  Friends keep trying to encourage me, “This is the Father giving you a respite.  You deserve a break, bask in it and stop questioning everything so much.”  It doesn’t, however, feel like a gift.  It feels like a lesson.

And I’m teetering between using this get-out-of-jail-free card for all its worth AND beating the floor with my fists while begging the Holy Spirit to wake up and just yell at me – anything, please!

This, coming from a girl that God plucked out of America kicking and screaming because He had some focused work to do.  Work that required another country and 13 years of refining.  I still don’t know whether to be honored or horrified by the necessity of it all.  But, just when I thought that season would never end, He provided a clear path home. Obviously, I was ready.

Or was I?

My fear: A mere 65 days into my return and I’ve already failed re-entry.  Perhaps our patient Father is pulling one of my most employed parenting skills… “just take a deep breath and walk away”.  And the silence is killing me.

Tell me to pick up trash (Find the Crazy).  Have me Joshua-walk a neighborhood (It’s Much Bigger Than That).  Ask me to bake cookies for the whole stinking street (It Had To Be The Neighbors).  Whatever it is, trust me to try.  After all this, I can’t just be a Shadyside mom decorating a house while taking breaks to volunteer in the lunchroom at my boys’ new school.

What I wanted for myself 15 years ago is not enough anymore.  God, you’ve changed all of that.  I don’t want to be so comfortable that I forget the thrill of Your chase.  You have to stretch me again.  Enlarge my territory.  Choose ME when you need a wingman (Pink, mirrored aviator glasses are in hand!).

Instead, I’m shopping out internet bundles, buying the trendiest version of school uniforms I can find, and choosing coordinating sofa fabrics.  Things I love.  Things I’ve waited for.  But this isn’t what all those years of HARD were for, is it?  Show me where to find You in the midst of our current craziness.

Father, I can’t do this without your voice.  And while I trust in your plans for me, I’m wondering if we could revisit some of the details.  Show me how to stay plugged into You. (Tapping-In.):

  • Open my ears again to the subtle whisper of Your spirit.  
  • Guide me into a room with your hand on the small of my back and steer me through crowds with effortless discernment.  
  • Give me eyes that see truth and a heart that can minister healing.  
  • Break down the facades that hinder my ability to be effective.  
  • Don’t let me be complacent in the protected confines of our new home.  
  • Make me noticeably Yours.  
  • Let your light linger and Your grace abound through me.

Because I don’t need a break.  We aren’t Ross and Rachel, after all.  This is me and You. Please, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

In the event that any of you out there are in a quiet season as well, I get it.  And, while I believe there are times in each of our lives that the still comes as a stepping stone to that strategic breeze waiting to move us in due course, I know being patient isn’t simple for everyone.   And I could use some help pounding on this door.  Vacation over.  Surely, we have some work to do.  😉

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  • Hulio August 17, 2015 at 9:49 am

    Nicht aufgeben, H.!! You’ve got this – He’s got you.
    And despite of drawing a blank, you ALWAYS manage to write a blog that reflects God’s word.
    That’s what it is about. Always.

  • Kristan Spear August 17, 2015 at 10:42 am

    Silence is so hard! But I agree with Hulio…that even in your “block” God is using you here. Draw near to Him and just “be”.

  • Rachel August 17, 2015 at 10:54 am

    I made my big move in the silent season, only to hear His affirmative voice loud and clear, post my decision! It’s as if HE was holding His breath, praying to Himself that I would take my free will and do the right thing on my own. My test was what I do in the silence. I will not dare venture to guess what He’s got in store for you or what you should be doing/not doing…! But thought I’d share my current situation, in case it makes you feel better to have a frustrated comrade 😉

  • sharlacrm August 17, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Hi Heather! Great blog! I’ll share with you what Mark preached to the congregation (and me) at New Heart yesterday! Proverbs 23:18, “Surely there is a future and your hope will not be cut off!” I pray you will recognize Father’s revealed will for your future! His thoughts for you are to prosper you and not for calamity! to give you HOPE! and an expected end! Your blogs help alot of us to concentrate on our Father’s goodness, as well as the human part of everyday struggles. Thanks for your openness. Charlotte